sapientbreeze

Learn to measure success internally. You will need to spend time getting real – you will never reach your purpose if you let others decide what success is for you. Spend time with yourself to learn what success means to you. Learn to be comfortable when outside forces don’t think you’re doing enough, or that you aren’t measuring up to others. Learn to be happy with nothing, and you will never need anything from anyone else.

To walk the Path is to let go of society’s expectations. This is harder than it sounds, and is not the same thing as “not caring about anything”. This is about identifying what truly matters to you, and then framing your self evaluation around how you are setting yourself up to best serve those aims. There are a lot of societal expectations that people adopt for themselves, and as a result, they cannot help but hold others to those same expectations. This includes looking a certain way, acting a certain way, etc. Try to identify these judgments in yourself, for they will arise naturally as a result from growing up in the culture you live in.

This is not to say all cultural programming is bad: frankly, much if it makes sense when seen for what it is. The cultural consensus is one that typically promotes peace and cooperation; however, there are components that create unrealistic expectations and suffering as a result. One example might be that women are supposed to have sufficient carrier ambitions AND should raise a family AND keep an ordered house. This is because older women grew up accepting the societal expectations heaped on them, and since they never were able to assimilate said expectations, they can’t help but project them onto others. In this example, the woman will suffer, because she cannot serve all 3 aims. To find peace and happiness, she could identify within herself that having a happy family is her highest aim… so she prioritizes her children’s happiness by spending time with the kids, even if she is judged by others for the house being a mess.

Assimilating expectations refers to identifying the origin and significance of an internal expectation. You hit traffic, and are upset because this will make you a little late to work… it might help you find peace if you’re able to identify that this expectation comes from having parents who were always late everywhere they brought you as a kid. Perhaps that created a sense of resentment, which now is unfortunately trained on yourself. If you looked deeply into the origin, you might find that your parents were struggling to keep up with balancing work and parenting… perhaps they were younger than you, and not as financially well off. If you can find compassion for them in that time of your life, you may be able to let go of the internal judgment that you attach to people being late. After all, traffic is a normal part of life, is it not?

Many cultural expectations work this way, and with inner work they can be identified and released. On the Path of seeking purpose and self understanding, such judgments are distractions left by conditional reinforcement during childhood. As these arise during your practice, be it during exercise or meditation or when you’re going to bed at night… don’t run from them. Instead, attempt to really listen- seek to understand the raw pain that sits behind the self judgment. Remember, we’re all just babies that grew up in a cruel world… you are not to blame for what you’ve endured. You may not choose your hardships, only how you face them. Look with compassion upon your self judgment or self criticism: why might this judgment arise? What are you afraid of?

To measure success is a deeply personal venture. Rather than focusing on the outcomes of your actions, judge the actions themselves. Did you do your best in managing a different situation? What could you have done differently to bring about a better outcome? Sometimes, doing the wrong thing in a stressful situation will produce a good result… this is not a victory, objectively seek to understand what you could have done differently as you face difficulties in life.

The last piece is to surrender the idea that anyone can be perfect across all stressful situations. The uncomfortable reality is that we humans are insufficient, and that is what makes life so special. The fact that we individually cannot bear the suffering of life, but together we have tamed nature and brought about unprecedented prosperity… it’s beautiful if you see it for what it is. The people that you hold in high esteem are just like you, they have flaws and fears and opportunities for improvement. The only difference between is how we face our own challenges. Learn to question the wisdom of others, but to always hear with a clear mind. If you listen, wisdom can come from a small child, a feeble minded elder, or a beggar on the streets. We are all a people, and we can only truly prosper together.

Everyone is just trying to do their best with what they have, and many have fallen short. Don’t let anyone tell you what is important; you decide what success means for you. The input from others does matter, but their judgments are projections… in time you will learn to see this for true if you learn to look and listen deeply. Let go of the person others describe you to be, and take control of who and what you are. Aim high, warrior. There is no aim that is beyond your reach.