sapientbreeze

On your journey, you will inevitably be wronged by others, and you will hurt many as well. Humans are complex beings, with various parts of their brains pushing them to prioritize different things every day. The true tragedy is not the wrongdoing, but the pain and blame we ourselves carry through life. Should you seek happiness, you must learn to put this pain down and leave it behind.

When we hold onto anger, we are anger. The Buddhists say thay anger is a poison, and perhaps that is the proper way to think. It’s unfair but true: holding onto anger doesn’t hurt the person who wronged you, it only hurts you. Eventually, the poison will spread to those around you, for anger is heavy, and is not easily carried alone. Inevitably, you will place this pain onto those who love you the most. Stopping the cycle of pain only requires one thing: forgiveness.

The secret to forgiveness is that it’s really not about helping the person who wronged you; instead, you are really healing the wrongs done to you. When we choose to deem a wrong as “unforgivable”, that choice leads to carrying that pain with us always. The body carries the emotional burden, unable to release the pain caused, and resentment blossoms. Resentment will not only bring added suffering to you, but that suffering must be shared with everyone around you… whether they are the cause of the anger or not. Before long, the cycle repeats as you pass along your burden, for who can bear such pain alone?

This is why the surest path through such suffering is forgiveness. This is easy to say, and perhaps you have even tried to act out an apology… this is not the whole of forgiveness. Forgiveness happens when we step back to view the bigger picture. No person causes suffering just to bring suffering, although that is often what we tell ourselves. If you struggle to forgive others, there is likely a very good reason for this: you are unable, or unwilling, to forgive yourself.

Should this be the case for you, I suggest meditation: spend time with the negative feelings, and ask yourself how you may have contributed to bring them about. Don’t settle for an easy, straight forward answer – sit with this question until the truth presents itself. Look inside your body for the physical pain or tension caused, and try to breathe into those places. This sounds mystical, but there is truth to the idea that suffering is stored in the body. As you breathe into these parts of the body, envision yourself exhaling the tension, the suffering, the pain. It will help.

When you encounter things you did that worsened the situation, investigate within yourself why. Don’t present excuses ‐ if you want to forgive yourself, you must first take responsibility for your own actions. You were suffering, you were burnt out, perhaps you were denied intimacy or a whole myriad of other things that can hinder our development. Many of the things we cannot forgive come from our upbringing. Therapy can be a useful tool to explore these tender areas; be brave – you can handle the discomfort… you can face the pain, and dare to release anger’s grip on your heart.

Once you begin to uncover the reasons behind your own actions, you can begin to forgive those actions. You must understand, or else any attempt at forgiveness will be hollow. Real change is borne from an increase in your own awareness, both of what’s happening in yourself and in others. As you learn to forgive yourself, you will naturally begin to forgive others. Often, the wrongs that we cannot forgive in others are the exact same wrongs we cannot forgive in ourselves. This is why forgiving others starts with forgiving ourselves, and the more you forgive others, the easier it will be to forgive yourself in the future.

In closing, remember to approach forgiveness with as much compassion as you can muster- both for you and the one who wronged you. Remember that they were likely wronged as well, and perhaps in worse ways that you have been. Attempt to bring an open mind: it serves no one to bring your opinion to an investigation. Let go of what you want to be true… you are angry, and anger impairs critical thinking. Last, strive to pay attention – if the mind rushes in to provide an excuse or a reasonable explanation, notice that. If a specific phrase makes your blood boil, notice that as well. With mindfulness, you can perhaps view these occurrences as external. The suffering is happening to you, but it is not you – promise yourself that you won’t give up until you let it go!